P.P.S. You gotta go way, way back to the start and untangle things from there. You been running away for what, 20+ years now? No more running. Face the issues, resolve them, forgive.

Look at the hole in your life and see what actually fills it. Retail therapy, nope. Sex drugs and rock and roll, nope. Alcohol, nope. Hobbies, not long term. Nobody likes stocktake but you’re going to have to review, come to terms with the shitty stuff, forgive others, forgive yourself (but take a note so hopefully you don’t repeat the same mistakes) and then you can begin to move forward. Stick the issues that have arisen because of the issue that kicked this whole thing off way back in the day into a basket and come back to them because you gotta get to the core first and fix that.

It can only come from within yourself, not external. Not others, not drugs, it’s inside you.

Straightening out your own head is not easy but not impossible. Good luck to you my friend.