Thanks (but in some way no thanks) to all of the people who have been reaching out in private over the past few weeks. I’m sorry (not really sorry) that I haven’t been picking up your calls.
I’ve got my mum and Dianne is living with me and she’s been taking care of me for the last week and will be here for another week too.
Asking me if R U OK? is NOT real, or suggesting I get some exercise or catch up for a beer is part of the issue. If you know me at all you would know I out talk pretty much everyone, and I have absolutely no issues in talking (it’s more about doing in any case, right?!).
I’ve just spent a good hour and a half talking to Caryn, my first love of 7 years. She’s legit the best. As Aussie and a true Byron Bay hippie you’d ever meet. And quite simply I couldn’t commit to children at the time and that’s what split us apart.
During the call I yapped on about all the shit that matters to me right now, the feeling of being bullied as I seem to get banned off every social media platform these days for sharing something real and trying to make a difference, but in reality a lot of it doesn’t make sense to her in sunny Byron Bay…
Dianne and I have tried to spend serious time on trying to figure out exactly why I feel like ending it all, why I feel so so so so so tired of it all, and in the end I feel like I’m more frustrated than depressed.
In regards to weed. I’ve been smoking it since high school. In high school I was one of the few Asians in my class and I copped racist crap daily. It got to a point where in year 12 I literally set up my art canvas in the stairwell, jigged classes and painted whilst the rest of the school were in Latin class or some shit. When the bell rang kids would stream past me and see some weird little Asian dude painting hot chicks on a canvas with his bare hands.
In reality I smoked weed throughout my entire professional career as a graphic designer running my own agency (2 in fact). I created Australian INfront high as a kite. I spoke at Semi-Permanent for 1 hour in front of 3,000 people stoned, I created JDMST and ZEN Garage totally stoned too. Everything you guys have ever seen from me was created stoned.
Anyways, since taking these antidepressants (which I know in my gut were never going to be right for me) I haven’t at all been able to get it up (lol?). I wake up every morning with a dead dick… It’s just not right. I’ve tried wanking to all sorts of porn, nothing worked. I’ve also had a lady friend try to help out and again, nothing but embarrassment and feelings of emasculation (which in reality is legit making me even more depressed).
I’ve lost my appetite (I literally can only eat one meal a day). I also can’t shit on this stuff. It’s blocked my bowels up pretty bad and I find myself sitting on the toilet forcing it out daily now.
Is this shit better than weed? I mean, these pills are meant to balance out my head, inject serotonin or some shit. Why not give me an ecstasy tablet every morning instead?! That’s for sure going to do more than this crap.
End of the day my mind is not at all made up. Truthfully told I know I have ADHD and I’ve inadvertently been self medicating myself with weed which has allowed me to achieve everything I wanted to achieve in life (and more). I’ve committed to seeing my psychiatrist on Monday. I’m really fucking killing my mum and I know it and I am asking for help.
Not going to lie, I’m highly suspicious of anti depressants. Probably they’re OK to get you through a rough patch or whatever, but long term, no bueno.
Straightening out your own head is not easy but not impossible. Good luck to you my friend.
P.S. If you kill yourself, you will kill your mum so you gotta not do it just for that reason alone. Her heart will break and be irreparable.
P.P.S. You gotta go way, way back to the start and untangle things from there. You been running away for what, 20+ years now? No more running. Face the issues, resolve them, forgive.
Look at the hole in your life and see what actually fills it. Retail therapy, nope. Sex drugs and rock and roll, nope. Alcohol, nope. Hobbies, not long term. Nobody likes stocktake but you’re going to have to review, come to terms with the shitty stuff, forgive others, forgive yourself (but take a note so hopefully you don’t repeat the same mistakes) and then you can begin to move forward. Stick the issues that have arisen because of the issue that kicked this whole thing off way back in the day into a basket and come back to them because you gotta get to the core first and fix that.
It can only come from within yourself, not external. Not others, not drugs, it’s inside you.