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11 years of Facebook…

Logged on the Facebook today, they had a video letting me know it’s been 11 years since I signed up for Facebook…

I have no huge regrets in life so far, but one of my fears has been to look back on my life and realise I spent too much of it on Facebook.

I’ve been in a bad place the last few months. I had Ved over recently and at some point we whipped out newspaper articles I featured in back in my design days (2000-2001-ish). In my interviews I often said I wanted to retire at 30, move up north, learn how to surf and be a bum, basically.

I’m 43 now and I think I’m going through the motions of letting go and easing up. I’ve been so hungry to make so many marks in the wall, for so long. My Dad died when I was 18. He was 47 and ever since then I’ve given myself the same expiry date to do everything I want to do in life, and that I feel I’ve done and then some.

I feel a little bit like I’ve climbed Mount Everest, and now that I’ve finally made it to the top I’m realising that I feel no elation at all, instead I’m freaking out about the journey back down the mountain.

For once in my life I’m not really sure what I want to do next, and yeah it’s freaking me out. I feel like I need to find a new reason. Whatever it is I’m pretty sure about one thing; I need a change and this change has to be for me and me only.

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Stay Young. Stay Hungry.

I’m fucking 43 years old next month. 43!!!!!!!! Thanks to Nana and Cee for making me feel good this week by telling me I’m looking good. My sweet AF uber driver took it a step further and said I looked mid 20’s!!!

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Julius is in town!

Mum jammed between 2 gay guys!

Julius (who I hung out with in HK in April last year) is in town! He’s rocking a pair of ZEN sunnies BTW ;)

PS: You can check out Julius’ performance on Australia’s got Talent 2013 here.

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Cocaine is a hell of a drug


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I’m the Martyr


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My thoughts and experiences on seeking help via Counselling

Last year was savage. I hit a new low and kinda got trapped under the weight of it all for a bit. Lows are nothing new for me. I’m an Artist so having high highs and low lows is always expected, if anything I strive on being able to feel and express a whole range of emotions, ‘better out than in’ as they say, but it’s amazing how much I’ve kept in over the years.

At some point I decided to take the reigns again and share the bad shit as well as the good shit. Why? Because it’s real. I found myself being screwed over by fuckheads, only to resolve issues with them in private, then to forever bare the weight of the fact that I did nothing wrong, and they did everything wrong, yet I’m the one who fucking loses out as no one knows the truth. Resentment issues? Yeah I have plenty of them, so at some point last year I decided enough was enough and I’ve been sharing both ups and downs since.

They say ‘family comes first’. It’s a saying I’ve really been struggling with for the last couple of years. My sister and I had a falling out almost 2 years ago now, and we’ve not seen each other since. Out of respect for my sister I won’t go into the details, but my sister and I not getting along almost killed my mother (there’s only us 3 in the family afterall), and being a mummy’s boy I was willing to try absolutely anything to to save mum from the pain, so that meant agreeing to see a counsellor, something I’d never do as I like to think I can help myself, and something I was pretty afraid of (pandoras box, you know?!).

Our family doctor referred a counsellor to my Mum, who then booked in to see her a few times, from there the counsellor has met up with my mother and I at the same time, my sister and my mother at the same time, and myself alone once too. Just so you’re aware, this is still very much in progress, and it’s still as raw as ever, but I’ve already found some peace through the counselling sessions thus far, and I think that alone is worth sharing, so hopefully I’ll be able to skirt around the specifics, yet still share some of the ways in which counselling has helped me get through the fog.

I’d been to a counsellor before, many years ago an ex-girlfriend and I went out for 7 years, we practically grew up together. She saw a counsellor first, then at some stage I was called in to see the counsellor with her, and me being the open book I am I just made sure I was as honest as I could be, and one session was all it took for our 7 year relationship to come to a definitive end. The counsellor sat next to my ex on a couch, arm around her, with tissues, and I was sat in a single chair and asked some tough questions. At some point I said something along the lines of “sometimes I don’t trust myself”… and the counsellor then looked at my ex, and ask her, do you want to be with a man who doesn’t trust himself? I mean, shit, she literally closed the door and that was that. The counsellor even commended me on being so honest and that it’s taken some of her male customers 5 years to come as clean as I have… Savage.

Going into this first session I couldn’t help but think of conspiracy, that counsellors take the side of whoever is paying the bill… but hey, I wasn’t about to do anything different, in fact I was determined to be as open as I possibly could. The counsellors office was nothing like I expected, the lady across from me was nothing like I expected, I was just trying my best to breathe, and not judge, but on the other hand I wanted to try and make sure this woman wasn’t taking my mother for a ride too.

To say the first session left me feeling more frustrated and confused than ever is an understatement. There I was trying to “sell” my side of the story, only to have it all thrown back in my face. The counsellor didn’t buy any of it. ZEN? She let me know that the person sitting in front of her didn’t at all seem like the MR ZEN I was describing. Fuck she was bang on. That hit me pretty hard, and from that point onwards I was in, and willing to go the distance and not judge.

Another session I had with the counsellor alone went for almost 2 hours, and we got pretty damn deep and I got a lot of out it. What she did that helped me the most was catch me out more than a few times. She got me to ramble, and then she’d pop a question, I’d argue it, then she’d catch me out on a few things. For example; she suggested that if I could instead of saying “I hate kids”, to word it a little softer. I’d say I didn’t say I hated kids, then she’d correct me and say well, yes you just said “I hate kids” 3 times in the past 5 minutes. It’s hard to explain, but it’s this constant checking and reflecting that I found worked for me. It’s like the counsellor was acting like a mirror, but the reflection she was showing me in her mirror was way different to the person I was seeing in my own mirror.

Ultimately, you have to make things work for yourself, right? Like when I was in design school; you could either just do the assignments, say an A4 poster for the guide dog association, where every student hands in just that, an A4 piece of paper with dogs on it, or you could make the course work for yourself, and fuck putting dogs on it, fuck make it A0! You might end up with something rad that you’re more proud of in your folio as opposed to something that looks like everybody else’s shit.

So I’m making these sessions work for myself. The counsellor offered to help write an apology letter to my sister, but fuck that… if my sister ever found out the counsellor even as much as suggested a comma or full stop it might have sabotaged the whole thing. It had to come from me, and you know, that’s kinda where I took over.

I’m pretty cunning with my words. Writing up a convincing apology letter wouldn’t be a hard thing to do… but this had to be real. I had to drop all the fake shit, the ego (I have a HUGE ego, right?!), I had to strip it all back.

I had to be really sorry.

ZEN, cars, girls… I had to strip value from all the stuff that made me comfortable with being me, and I had to find the little boy who used to walk hand in hand with his little sister to the corner store to buy a 40c bag of lollies to share.

Doing so saw me drop to an all time low health wise. I was 52kg’s last year (I’m meant to be 58kgs), one of my teeth rotted and fell out (others are kinda on the way now too) and I have a fair few new white as fuck hairs on my face and head, but hey, that apology letter finally came out, it was real as fuck, and despite not getting an acknowledgement from my sister that she got my letter of apology to this day, I somehow found some peace in just writing it. I suppose you could say I was proud of myself for being real real, and although her silence kills me, I still feel better for writing and sending it.

Time flies and this last Xmas was the 2nd year in which my sister and I didn’t see each other, but ‘time heals’ too apparently (all these cheesy sayings I’ve always rejected in life are all of a sudden so valuable to me). I’m not sure how many more counselling sessions it’ll take for us to be a family unit again, or if we’ll even get there, but as I’ve stated already; I’ve already found some peace, enough peace to be patient, enough patience to be hopeful.

PS: THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL THE PM’S! I’ve been chatting to a woman with cancer, a man who’s spent $70k on counselling, a guy on a mission with his brand, and everything in-between. My problems feel all of a sudden a little insignificant, but hey, we’re all fighting our own battles right?! Here’s to winning the fight!

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Thanks and Praise

I’ve been meaning to reply to SO many people who’ve reached out to me in regards to counselling. Many who want to know more about the benefits, many who have even started to share their issues with me. In all truth I just haven’t had the energy to reply to most (you know that kills me), so I’ll be sure to make the effort in the next few weeks to give a much more detailed account of the bits that really worked for me.

In the meantime I wanted to share a heart warming message I got last night from Andrew Le. Reading it put more than just a smile on my face. I even read it out loud to Mum!

Hey Justin. How you doing buddy? Mate just wanted to personally wish you a happy new year, although we both get the luxury of enjoying 2 new years with Chinese new year approaching soon.

I also wanted to thank you for all the hard work and dedication and love that you’ve contributed to the car communities and not to mention the artwork you did for my 2010 WTAC Dr Honda Civic. Sadly I never got the chance to repay you for that, even though you did it for absolutely nothing. But if it’s counts, 8 years later I still haven’t forgotten your generous gesture. So I thank you once again.

Anyway this is the main reason I’m here and it’s to say thank you for sharing your highs with us, looking at semi naked hot chicks and just visualising what went on after the shoot was a good time killer that’s for sure. But I also would like to say I really admire and respect you for the way you openly share your lows with… everyone.

To follow your success over the years and then also to be able to see and read your darkest of times was something that definitely surprised me, but it was also something I could relate to, but I didn’t have the desire or have the courage to talk about it as I like to keep it to myself. So watching it all unfold and you openly sharing it with us was sad, personal and very raw, but what it did for me and I’m sure for others as well, was It helped me get through my darkest of days because I felt I wasn’t alone anymore.

So that alone gave me another reason to stay positive and soldier on. Believe it or not I just wish I could of just sat there with ya and just chat. Because I know you hadn’t even scratched the surface and there was a whole lot more you could of shared.

Counselling looks to be the way to go because it seems like it’s made some impact from what you’ve shared. I’m one of those people who likes to think I’m in control but am I really? Doesn’t seem like it sometimes. But hey you stay strong and a lot of people out there respect and admire what you do. Kudos! You are in control when you start speaking freely. Doesn’t it feel good when you stop caring about what others think? What I’ve learnt from this is when you speak freely as you have life just gets better and you instantly a sense of freedom hits you. So Thank you.
And all the best for the next year or all the best tomorrow. Lol.

Btw… Did you like….like… Ummm…get to shag little caprice? If so… I need to know more. And pics or didn’t happen. Haha. Take care mate ✌️.

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Meet my Mage, David Jivan

Meet my Mage, my Wizzard David Jivan – Naturopath

I last saw David about 15 years ago. I’d been suffering from IBS since I was a kid and with David’s help I managed to control and overcome that shit.

Last time David had me on a very black and white diet which I just couldn’t keep up, but I was young, and I see how he needed to be hard on me in order to see change. This time I’ve come back a man, and in need of real help and I had a hunch that David would be all ears, and too right he was.

I’ve been watching a lot of Joe Rogan’s shows, he often has amazing human beings from athletes to scientists to archeologists and everything in between. Joe’s a smoker, and often brings smoking up in conversations with his guests (I feel he almost pushes it). I’ve often found conversations around the fact that some of the world’s best athletes smoke interesting, specifically how smoking is bad for you, and how does an athlete negate the negative side effects of smoking, or is there even a way?

That inevitably had me asking Mum if she could set up a meeting with her Naturopath David Jivan, and today I got to spend a couple of hours with the man with the ‘loose’ plan. Loose being the key word here and after I’ve stated my whole story in the privacy of his sanctum (in front of my Mum too), he’s more than willing to help me achieve baby steps in order to get to a happier place.

There’s a plan in action, but he’s also mixed up some special potions for me to take home. It’s these potions I really wanted out of this meeting today. These magic potions that will help me to negate the harmful effects of smoking. It’s no solution, but it’s still a small step and small steps back into the light are just what I need right now.

PS: David will be on TV this Sunday on House of Wellness at 10am Channel 7TWO. Looks like TV is his new thing, suits him too has he fills the room with energy this guy. Timing is funny too as I’ll be putting myself in front of the camera more next year if all goes to plan!

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So how’s ZEN going?

Just a few post WTAC thoughts: I had a lot of people come up and ask me how ZEN is going, and I found myself repeating myself throughout the day, and refining the story as the weekend played out, so I thought I’d share.

EOMM shook me up a little. I’ve spent 10+ years fighting for a carpark for us car guys to hang in, we finally get it but within a year the kids have ruined it for themselves. Truth is the guys who were fighting along side me have moved on in life, had kids, etc IE: they’re not the guys rocking up to the meets today, and the guys at the meets have little to no idea about the past.

The disconnect is real.

I’ve done a lot for various communities, focused outward a lot but lately I’ve been spending time on me, focusing inwards, and realising that I might not have the energy to do both ZEN, and me at the same time.

I’m working on family relations with a councillor, and I’m also working on getting over the guilt of doing less in life. Producing less, and just doing what I want to do for me (right now, family and gaming!).

I’ve also started to think about putting my house on the market. When you’re complaining about your council rates being so high you’ve got to realise they’re that high because your property is worth way more than when you bought it 10 years ago. I’m 42 now and whilst I might have blown all my profit if I sold the house too young, I’m sure I’ll be fine now.

Back on the topic of ZEN.

It’s gotten to the point where I almost despise the customers who are buying our goods now because it’s 5 cents cheaper at $39.95 not $40. I know we have the potential to be in General Pants Co. but it’s not the go.

Going forwards I need to go backwards; When I meet someone like-minded, someone I click with, someone who gets it. It makes sense for them to like me, for me to like them, so if I GIFT them a ZEN hat, it feels right. There’s a lot in this. I want ZEN to be free for those who get it. I’ve just got to figure it out, but thanks to all who asked at WTAC, you guys are the best sounding boards/mirrors ever and have helped me to get all the above out. Much appreciated!


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Playboy Magazine

From Star with love!

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