Category Archives: Spam

Man Down

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I have a largely addictive personality. Vices are a normality to me (and so I try my best to not look at vices as a negative thing) and balance is something I’ve always struggled to achieve.

I love the grey area. I live and strive in it. I’m generally a driven, positive, happy and motivated person 99% of the year. I’m a great shoulder to lean on for friends in need (I actually genuinely like picking up the pieces and helping people mend), and an even better ass kicker when needed, but logic wins, and every now and then I crash.

Too much of a good thing.

I drink to get drunk. I smoke to get high. I’ve been drinking and smoking since I was a teenager. I love being fucked up just as much as I love being straight. Last year I had an epic wobbly. I wasn’t sleeping much (about 4-5hrs a night). I was smoking way too much weed, and instead of feeling all the benefits (calming anxiety, feeling creative etc) I felt the opposite. I had my very first anxiety attack. I don’t even really want to talk about it as thinking about it scares me so much. I can only describe it as a pain you want to massage, but for some reason you can’t quite find the spot to massage.

I bounced back from that pretty quickly by cutting down, but for the past few months I’ve fallen into that hole again. Smoking too much which in turn has me ignoring people, losing motivation and most crucially losing self love. Just the other day I hit the bottom once again, I even had a good cry on the phone to a friend (who was fucking shocked lol! I’ve not cried since my Dad died when I was 18, and holy fucking shit crying felt so fucking amazing!!!!!!!! MUST CRY MORE!).

So 3 days ago I broke my bong, with my Dad’s hammer too which I’ve held on to ever since I was a kid. It felt good. I’m feeling sharper already 3 days in. I’m smoking more ciggies and tempted to hit the booze, but I’m sure I’ll cut those down too in good time.

Rehab is for quitters.

In regards to drugs. I’m not sure I want to quit drugs entirely. I love how my mind works on drugs. I love myself, and if I really wanted to quit I am sure I could, but if I “try” to quit and I don’t succeed, well then surely I’d find myself liking myself a little less and that’s a sure recipe for disaster.

/rant.

PS: It feels good to get this out. If reading this has triggered some thoughts, whether it’s a similar experience, or tips on cutting down or even quitting, or anything really! I’d love to hear them, so please share in the comments below.

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A personal assessment of how I’m feeling about Sydney right now

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I’ve been threatening/dreaming/meaning to move to Melbourne for so long, that coupled with all this sad Sydney shit going on, I’m thinking about moving more than ever.

I figure I’ll be living in a great city that supports creative culture, and visiting Sydney would be AMAZING. It would feel like the same old Sydney I love, almost. I could just enjoy Sydney without the politics, then fly back “home” to Melbourne and do what I do.

I’d still have an issue with potentially getting a criminal record (which could make flying overseas difficult) for traces of the weekend in my saliva whilst driving, that started in Melbourne right? Not sure how I’m going to get around that one without leaving the country.

Right now I just feel like I’m backed into a corner, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re trying to do to Sydney; Kick people like me out and make it a safe pleasant “vibrant” place for people from overseas to visit. Me being someone who was born here and loves this city so much. Me being someone who is so grateful for all the amazing (now illegal) experiences I’ve had, all of which have shaped me to the person I really like being today.

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At the Driving Range

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Robbie and Krysti picked me up on their way to Moore Park Driving Range for a hit today. Always an awesome release! I’ve lost my club somewhere, so I’ve now got an excuse to maybe buy one again (of-course I don’t care for anything but that “ping” sound the titanium drivers make!).

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Last Night’s Party: Nanami’s B’Day

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Nana’s B’Day x Bowie Tribute. Was nice to be hanging out with people my own age for a change!!!

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Hangs with Amber

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I’m a motherfucking Ninja, that’s what!!!

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So many fan boys

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So many fan boys. #needmorefangirls

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“Should” not “Could”

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I’ve been saying this for as long as I can remember: Replace all instances of “should” with “could” to make your life easier. Maybe “easier” isn’t the right word, but I’ve never been comfortable with external pressure, especially expectations that others have of me. The people closest to me; my family and friends, they know to replace the word “should” with “could” if they want me to listen! IE: Saying I “could” do this, or I “could” do that sounds a hell of a lot more positive and encouraging than I “should” do this, or I “should” do that, which to me sounds like pressure and even a little condescending.

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Shadow Stormtrooper

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I’ve finally reached Max Rank 50 in Star Wars Battlefield! I only needed to get there in order to unlock the Shadow Trooper outfit (it’s sooooo sick!).

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Krysti’s B’Day at Manhattan Superbowl

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K POP, non-stop dancing all night!

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Fran, Matty and Krysti.

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It’s all about the shoes!

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K-POP had such awesome style!!!

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B’Day ten pin was a cute idea!

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Yup, you guessed it. My score was 88!!!!!!!!

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The Goose came out to play! I couldn’t help myself!

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The onsie crew!

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It all got a bit silly in the end!

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Went bowling last night with the 2015 Tokyo Crew (minus Robbie, plus Ved, Cat and Fran!) at Manhattan Superbowl to celebrate Kristi Jade Mclellan’s B’Day.

Dad used to take me bowling as a kid. I had all good intentions to bring his bowling ball along (he used to compete!), but I failed to find it. I spent at least an hour searching my entire house for it, and finally found it, but when I took it out of it’s bag, feels… so many feels. The ball has his name on it! I just couldn’t bring myself to bring it along. Maybe another time just by myself.

I did bring my Top Gun outfit but! HAHA! Had a blast, and f-course, my final score was… 88! It’s beyond ridiculous how I get 8’s all the time!!!

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Chill the fuck out, Sydney

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Cacia Zoo on Wedding Cake Rock.

So today I saw a video online about Wedding Cake Rock, which I ventured out to with Cacia recently (my photos here). It’s now blocked off so people cant step on it anymore.

FUN POLICE HAVE DONE IT AGAIN!!!

Coming off the back of the recent A Current Affair crap (read; sensationalism) about hoons, which is very quickly undoing the 10+ years of work I’ve put into nurturing the Sydney car scene, this new news has just hit a nerve with me today.

I’m sincerely shocked at how Sydney continues to become the ultimate Nanny State and I’m just glad (and sad) to be able to say that once upon a time I used to be able to ride my bike to school without a helmet, and skateboard on the footpath, and drive my modified car without fear of being defected, and go bar hopping until the early morning…

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