Suicide is not for me

As I expected, pushing away friends wasn’t so hard. In the end all I have is mum. Mum is the only human being I truly like on this planet and it hasn’t been easy for her to hear that even my love for her isn’t enough to make me want to stick around.

I’ve spent the past few months trying to convince my mum that suicide would be the best thing for me, it’s obviously been hard for her to hear this come out during my psychiatrist sessions.

Suicide isn’t easy but fuck me dead I wish it was.

I live by the rocks at Maroubra Beach, the thought of jumping off those rocks has been pretty romantic to me, but the one night I tried to walk over there I got as far as the end of my street before I felt some sort of force field that made me turn around. No amount of research makes it easier either; they’ve taken out most of the shit in sleeping pills now to prevent people killing themselves, even gassing myself in my GT-R wasn’t a sure and safe solution.

IE: I am a wimp.

I’ve recently had a few divine interventions. I speak to my Dad in the way one would speak to God, and my father has given me so much strength, much like how God, or faith could be seen as giving a follower a lot of strength. I had a strong man of Christian faith pray for me recently, his prayer was to let God show me signs in the next week to prove to me that he exists. The sign happened too, it was so fucking undeniably a sign, but I still question God. Can’t help it.

Right now I’m trying to just focus on small steps.

I haven’t slept in my bed, or for longer than a 4hr block for a good part of the year. I shower once a week, twice at most. I brush my teeth only when I need to see people. I realise the hole I’ve gotten myself into is massive, but doing things like cleaning out my wardrobe has been working for me lately. I’m still gaming a lot but I’m playing an MMORPG (Black Desert Online) which involves a whole lot of AFK activities, which lets me take breaks and do other shit I need to do. I’ve realised I’m a hoarder too, so badly that I have one of 3 rooms in the house so full of junk I can’t even open the door. I’m on 2 types of meds which I’m still trying to dial in. I’ve cut down on the weed but I want to cut it out completely (rehab is on the cards if I fail a cold turkey attempt later this year). I’m seeing someone, she’s also a divine intervention, she’s hard on me, but that’s a good thing. I’m hard on her and that’s fucked, but I’m trying.

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5 Responses to Suicide is not for me

  1. Paul says:

    I’m glad you are ok Justin. I’ve legit been worried about you. Weird though as we have not met in real life. I suppose i feel i know part of you as your drive was similar to mine for years and the shit we created seemed to run in parallel.

    I know how you feel too. I’ve had mental health problems for ever and have mostly good times these days but do have my moments where anxiety takes over and robs me of life. 2017 was my lowest and i never really left the house, laid on the sofa all day due to chronic fatigue, and slept a few hours a night due to pain and a head fog.

    I was very very sick for most of my life with what i now know is sensitivity to gluten. I found out by pure luck a year ago. The chronic illness i had for the majority of my life lifted in a matter of weeks. A year later i’m not even the man i’ve known for my whole life. It has been a fucking insane life.

    Love and family make or break a man and i’m proud to share becoming a dad also changed my life’s direction. We all want to feel safe and loved- and feel like we belong. This is what i’ve learnt being a parent. You are loved bro and that’s the answer.

    You fucking keep your head up and get through this… OK! I want to give you a hug.

    What a gift you now have- being truly vulnerable. Merry xmas.

  2. lemmiwinks says:

    Figured you were going through something, didn’t think it would be that serious. I know it doesn’t mean anything, but this random internet stranger is really glad you’re still here.

    I truly hope things get better for you soon dude.

  3. nobody says:

    I’m just a long time reader (since spamventdocument era). I figured you were going through something, and thought maybe you have suicided (is strange to know someone who you haven’t never met).

    I’m glad you decided against, willingly or not :)

    Keep kicking ass, keep it easy and try to have fun. Never lose your passion and spirit, is contagious.

  4. Andrew says:

    I’m a long time reader and seeing you haven’t posted much got me a bit worried. I tried to contact you through this website but the captcha to verify youre not a robot no longer works and I was unable to send a message.

    A big relief seeing this recent post and I’m happy you’re trying your best and handling it to the best of your degree. You are better than you think you.You will be able to make it through. You’ll be able to handle anything. Godspeed my friend.

  5. Adam says:

    We may not have met before but as a long term follower of your blog I must say I was relieved to open up and see this post.

    I normally check in quite frequently and when I didn’t see any posts I was first curious, but then a bit worried. (Which I’m sure seems unusual coming from a random person from the internet).

    I won’t pretend to understand your situation, but I am glad you’re OK and doing all you can on your journey out of the darkness.

    This might sound both obvious and stupid but get out and drive your GT-R through RNP, or further down to Mac Pass. It is definitely not a miraculous nor a magical solution, but it is a simple act which may help in some way.

    However, feel free to completely ignore this unsolicited advice from a random arm chair psychologist /car guy.

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