Search Results for: quetiapine

Quetiapine update – 40 Days

Posted on 18 February, 2019 by Justin Fox

quetiapine

I’ve been on 3 tablets of Quetiapine per day for the past 40 days now (25mg/tablet 75mg all up). Quetiapine takes effect on me fast, about 30 minutes from dunking them. Since I’m no longer napping during the day I’m already quite sleepy by midnight, which is when I dunk all 3 and go straight to bed. I get a solid 5hrs sleep every single time doing it this way.

Dr. Hyde assured me that it was OK to dunk tablets during the day if I felt like a mood swing was coming on, but when I do have Quetiapine by day I turn into a zombie and I end up napping. I tried not taking any at all one night, I had a rough sleep and felt down the next day (started the day off on the wrong foot and couldn’t turn it around). I’m meant to have the tablets at about 9PM but when I do I get up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep. I’ve tried taking only 2 tablets instead of 3 and I wake up too early. I’ve not tried taking 4, could be good, but I’m afraid to have any more if I don’t need more.

The speedy body high’s I’ve been feeling have subsided somewhat, but I’m still going a million miles an hour. Speedy as fuck in my head. I feel short of breath, like my heart is beating fast. I’m literally bashing the keys right now as I type. I have only one speed and it’s full steam ahead, all cylinders firing.

Today I saw Dr. Hyde and reported all the above (and more). He agrees I look and sound better (I’m 62kgs today and was 51kg’s when I first saw him, he says I’m still too skinny and could do with more weight!). He also thinks that lots of the boundless energy I have now has to do with being more sober than I have been in a very long time. IE: For the past few months I’ve felt like I broke something up there in my head, but maybe it’s more that I’ve never been sober.

He’s not too happy about my drinking situation. I don’t drink every night, but when I open a bottle I finish it, every time. I scull my wines too. He says 1 glass would be AOK, 2 at most, but not a whole bottle. Having 1-3 joints a day isn’t great either, but the alcohol is more of a worry to him at the moment. Personally I don’t think I’ll have an issue with cutting down the wine, or the weed as I’m cutting it down more and more as we go in any case.

Whilst I like to think in my mind that the Quetiapine is just a sleeping tablet. It’s not. Dr. Hyde was quick to remind me that it’s still acting as an anti-depressant (even though I am off Effexor antidepressants) and mood stabiliser which affects my every day. He reminded me once more that I’m on a very low dose, and Quetiapine only really works on bipolar patients when given in much higher doses. He believes my mood is at least stable (I’d say yes, only just… but definitely more stable than ever this year) and that I should try to up my dose to 100mg, or even 150mg.

The plan is to take 100mg at midnight from now on. If I end up getting more than 5hrs sleep I’ll start taking the Quetiapine earlier so I can still see the sun rise every morning. I’ll also cut down on drinking to 2 glasses/night max and I’m really struggling to make joints at all now that the kief has run dry. Joints are mostly rollie tobacco with a sprinkling of kief.. I’m basically down to stems and I was told not to smoke stems (not sure exactly why, I assume they hold more chemicals, or something?!).

More updates soon!

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Honing in the Quetiapine

Posted on 4 February, 2019 by Justin Fox

hone

I still have maybe a couple of coffees a day, 2–3 jays a day, or a ciggy or 2 if I’m out and about, or a glass of wine or 3, or a beer or two when the boys are over, but Quetiapine (also sold under the trade name Seroquel) is the only thing I’m taking consistently now.

Quetiapine is an antipsychotic used for the treatment of bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder and schizophrenia (my Ex-fiancé warned me that if I smoked bongs for too long I’d go schizo!). It’s also widely used as a sleeping aid.

I’m on Quetiapine to stabilise my mood swings and I’m also using it as a sleeping aid. Quetiapine was prescribed to me as an add-on drug to antidepressants, but I dropped the antidepressants 2 weeks ago and I’ve felt better since (the libido issues and constipation issues I got from Effexor are no more). Thing is, these tiny little pink 25mg Quetiapine pills have come to the fore now, and I’m finding myself trying to experiment with them a little as I feel like I have to.

Generally speaking, I used to think that girls have quite consistent mood swings. A wave with not too many extreme highs, nor lows. Guys on the other hand I always akin to an elastic band. Pull and stretch all the way back, then BAM! Let it all go.

Right now it’s midday. I’ve had a coffee and breakfast and I’m about to catch up with an old mate in an hour or so. My mood is pretty frantic, short breaths, brain is going a million miles an hour. I’m thirsty AF. I can’t type fast enough. I feel a bit high, less of a weed high, more of a lack of sleep feeling.

The Quetiapine helps me sleep (30 or so minutes after taking 75g my eyelids get heavy and I get 6 hours solid sleep. The sleep has greatly improved my concentration and motivation. This is quite obvious if you look at all the output I’m having lately. My appetite has skyrocketed (weight gain is a know side effect of Quetiapine) and now I find myself eating at least 3 meals a day (up from 51kgs to 59kgs now).

A lot of people use Quetiapine as a sleeping aid to “knock them out”, which kinda scares me, but my research leads me to believe that it’s not a drug of choice for suicide victims, as reports shows that people who have overdosed on Quetiapine landed up in comas and not death .

My doc assures me Quetiapine is not physically addictive, but neither is weed right? So really, it’s the psychological addiction I’m more worried about.

On the streets Quetiapine is sometimes called Susie Q, Quell, Q, or Squirrel. Crushed and snorted (I’ve yet to try this), Quetiapine is abused for a recreational “high”. None of this surprises me as I’ve felt high as a kite on this stuff since day 1, sometimes for hours at a time throughout the day, sometimes it comes in waves.

I feel the Quetiapine high pretty much from the moment I wake up through to bed time (usually 6am — midnight). If I dunk 3 pills at the recommended time of 8–9PM I got to bed way too early and wake up way too early too. Having them just before bed seems to suit me a lot better.

The high I feel throughout the day is a bit like a weed high, but also feels like an ecstasy pill coming on; you know, that tingly wiry feeling you get in your fingers when an e starts to kick in. I also have waves of extreme light headedness, not to the point of fainting or anything, but it’s a strange top of the brain and in the temples tingle, sometimes an almost anti-gravity/brain in a bubble like feeling which I get especially when I move my head too suddenly.

My low dose of 75mg/day is nothing in comparison to dosages some people take (up to 800mg a day for more extreme cases) but what’s becoming clear as I do more research on Quetiapine is that it’s more important to figure out when to take these pills, and how much.

So to wrap it up, here are some observations:

3 (75mg) pills a night = 6hrs sleep and the next day is a damn productive day through to midnight.
2 (50mg) pills a night and I wake up cold as my T-Shirt is drenched with sweat. I then toss and turn a fair bit but I get back to sleep (whereas I would usually have shot out of bed and punch 4:20 AM cones.
If I take the 3 pills a night, smoke a jay then jump right into bed stoned I go into a scary deep place where I feel I’m not in control of my body. I will my arms and legs to move but they won’t initially, making me feel trapped in my own body for a short moment. At this stage I focus on getting my arms and legs to move, and when I finally start to feel myself taking control of my own limbs again I end up waking up from the nightmare.
I’m not sure exactly what steps I’m going to take from here. I have another meeting with Dr Hyde soon so I might just sit tight and see if he’s got any recommendations for me; be it a stronger dosage, or a new drug altogether.

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Update: Depression and Bipolar – Off the meds for 3 months

Posted on 18 October, 2020 by Justin Fox


ZEN PODCAST #25.

In the beginning of 2019 I lost the will to live and was diagnosed with depression and bipolar 1. I was prescribed an antidepressant (Efexor) and Quetiapine for my manic episodes and went through 6 months of therapy (both a psychiatrist and a psychologist) to get back on my feet.

Despite doctors orders I stopped both medications 3 months ago and I’m feeling more alive than I have in a very long time.

This raw unedited recording is hosted by Matthew Schneeman, a New York based journalist and radio producer as part of his “A Year from Now” project where he interviews people who are currently going through major events, then re-interviews them a year later.

Matthew and I go deep into my case; How I got depression, how I’ve been dealing with depression and bipolar disorder, getting off the meds, how I’m feeling now and where I’d like to be a year from now.

You can find out more about Matthews “A Year from Now” project on his web site: https://matthewschneeman.com/a-year-from-now

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Getting off the meds

Posted on 7 July, 2020 by Justin Fox

I’ve been on bi-polar meds (Quetiapine) for a year and a half now. Initially on a dose of 300mg/night, and over time I managed to reduce the dosage to 25mg/night on my own, mostly because I’ve never been into the idea of taking medication, if anything I’ve always seen it as a sign of weakness. 

When I was 18 my Dad was dying from cancer and I saw a transformation. He was a strong man. I’d even say I was scared of him when I was younger. He was a buddhist, but at the end of his days at St Vincent’s Hospital he had priests pressure him to convert to God. And that he did. As cancer ate him alive he grew weaker, and I took that weakness in a bad way. I was disappointed in him for giving up. When he died I took his strength and vowed never to be weak. 

I gave myself a deadline. Dad passed away at age 47, so in my mind I’ve had until 47 to do everything in life. I’m now 45 and it’s only recently that the hard reality of not being able to choose when it all ends has well and truly fucked me up. 

The meds knock me out about 30 minutes from when I take them and I’ve had solid 6–8hr blocks of sleep since, well, since a few weeks ago where I’m finding that one little pill isn’t enough anymore. I’ve had a sneaking suspicion that the pills do nothing more than get me to sleep, and the lack of sleep was what send me insane in the first place. A few weeks ago I tried herbal sleeping pills subscribed by a specialist (who was made aware of my situation), but they did jack shit. My local doctor has now put me onto a sleeping pill which he says that he would much rather me take than Quetiapine, and it’s been a rough transition over the past week, but I’m getting there, and have had a couple of nights of solid sleep on the new medication. 

I did a podcast recently with some friends and I didn’t entirely like some of the things I said, or sounded like, when I listened to it back. Listening to it back was like looking into a mirror for me. I sounded like someone who had given up. Someone with a lack of drive, someone who didn’t care anymore. I’ve lost respect for myself, and thus respect for others. I’m biting my tongue instead of speaking out. I’ve been choosing to do and be nothing. 

Being on meds has helped me to avoid hitting the low lows, but I’m realising that it’s also stopping me from getting the high highs… I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle now. Numb, flatline. Everything I’ve ever done of any worth (to me) in life has come from embracing the low lows and the high highs. 

So I’m now on a mission right to get off the meds in hope that I’ll find my drive again. Whether it works, or not, I’ll have to see. Either way it feels good to even be on a mission once more!

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Update on my mental state

Posted on 12 August, 2019 by Justin Fox

Just an update on my mental state. 3 weeks ago I ran out of meds (I’m on Quetiapine) and decided not to catch up with my psychiatrist as I’d really like to get off them. I instantly had issues getting to sleep, which I knew would happen as these little pills knock me the fuck out 30 minutes after I take one, but I thought I’d keep at it, and keep track of my patterns.

Initially I was getting really tired at around 8pm. I’d crash out, have broken sleep and get up at all sorts of hours. 2am, 3am but most of the time 4am. Sometimes I’ll nap during the day, but the napping doesn’t seem to help me catch up on sleep lost. I basically feel like I haven’t slept right for 3 weeks, and in the last week or so I’ve started to feel a little down again; down on energy, motivation, lack of direction… just generally feeling a bit heavy.

I’ve been keeping busy, but the days feel so long. I’m doing more work as a graphic designer than I have in years, and I’m also getting out of the house more often too. I’m still smoking tobacco though (I’d really like to quit), and when I drink I drink to get drunk. I re-downloaded a dating app recently, and got a few matches, but I feel that I’m a little too transparent to start the chase with anyone just yet, if anything I still think that I’d rather save these women from myself, as no-one out there would truly want to be with a guy like me.

3 days ago I got back on the meds and I’ve had 3 nights of solid sleep. I caught up with the fam last weekend and had a cousin tell me that I seemed better, more lively and chatty than the week before. I don’t remember being any different a week ago, but who knows? Right now I feel a little defeated for getting back on these little pink pills. I also feel especially shitty about smoking tobacco and would really like to quit.

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Almost Sober

Posted on 26 March, 2019 by Justin Fox

Tool’s ‘Sober’ is a song about a friend of the band whose artistic expression only comes out when he is under the influence. “A lot of people give him shit for that, if you become addicted and a junkie, well, that’s your fault.”

I put hammer (significantly I used my Dad’s hammer which I’ve managed to keep with me ever since I was 18) to bong on January the 9th. I’ve not smoked a cone since. 

Does this make me sober? 

The dictionary says: To be sober is to not be affected by alcohol; not drunk. Does that mean ‘in the moment’? Or does that mean forever? I’m so confused. 

I still smoke rollies, but only at home. IE: If I venture out of the house I do not bring tobacco and rolling papers with me, but sometimes when I’m out for the day I do get cravings. Last week I visited a friend’s tattoo store and immediately felt like smoking a cigarette. I ended up going down the road to buy some, but for whatever reason I didn’t even open the pack to smoke one, and that packet is still on my kitchen bench unopened. 

In the past, if I quit smoking bongs I’d drink like a fish, but that hasn’t happened this time around. By myself I’ll have a glass, 2 at most, but add a friend into the mix and I end up smashing bottles and smoking cigarettes like a chimney. 

Then there’s the medication. I’m still on Quetiapine (200mg/night), on top of that I have a bunch of herbal stuff from my Naturopath to help me sleep and to work on my insides. I also take a CBD oil capsule a day to manage body aches. Taking this stuff consistently, every single day blows my mind as for years there I could never dream of doing anything consistently at all, period. 

In the past I’d often research ways to get off drugs and often I’d read “ditch the friends you do drugs with”. I always thought that was impossible, and a ridiculous ask, but when I was trying to neck myself I managed to push all my friends away, and right now, if I look at my current circle of friends I can’t help but notice all of them are straight AF. 

So what’s it like to be sober? 

I think I’m just as expressive creatively as ever, if not more so as I’m not gaming 10hrs a day. I’m sleeping better than I ever have. I weigh more than I ever have and life’s far from short. IE: The days feel so fucking long I have to watch TV at night to wind down and pass the time. Balance is at play in that I take breaks from designing. I play only 1–2hrs gaming/session (often I go for days without gaming too). All of this normality and consistency felt impossible when I was abusing (smoking bongs from 4.20AM - midnight), but now it’s a harsh reality. 

What confuses me the most is that I’ve given up weed. I always planned to smoke weed forever, but I’ve well and truly broken up with Mary Jane. A close friend suggested that I’m no longer in denial about smoking weed… that blows my mind as I still don’t exactly understand how I managed to stop smoking bongs. But I have and I have to say life feels pretty good on the rails. 

My next step is to get off the medication and start exercising. Dropping the dosage from 2 pills a night to 1 to none is a priority, so too getting back on the bike. I’m also going to start driving again, and have started the hunt for a daily driver (which in itself has been super fun as I’m planning to build a stripped out rally car for the streets). 

Life’s pretty straight without a bong, but being straight is pretty hardcore in itself, and where I used to look at straight people as being un-trustable, I now admire straight people for being able to deal with life head on. 

More updates as they come!

This is also on Medium for an easier read: https://medium.com/@justinfox_30083/almost-sober-6cc469eebbcb

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Antidepressants No More — Part 3

Posted on 2 February, 2019 by Justin Fox

nomore
Good riddance Effexor, welcome back Libido!

It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve stopped taking antidepressants (Effexor), and my body feels so much better for it. I’m waking up with raging boners once more and I’m also masturbating again (to porn, sorry JP!). The handful of times I’ve masturbated I’ve come prematurely and legit had 5–10 second orgasms each time.

I’m not unhappy. I’m not depressed, but I am fucking buzzing. My hands feel clammy when I’m awake, you know, that “wirey” tingly like vibe you feel when an ecstasy pill or shrooms start kicking in? It’s that feeling pretty much, that I feel all day through to night. I like this high but I’ve got a few concerns:

– My brain is going at a million miles an hour from the moment I wake up to midnight when I sleep.
– If no one is with me I’ll be bashing the keyboard on social media and writing about anything and everything that comes to mind; many drafts, sure, but also more ‘refined/laboured’ features too.
– If someone is with me I will absolutely talk over them and drown them out with words. I talk so much they literally can’t get a single word in.

I caught up with a friend who has bipolar, she told me that there’s Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. I’m like WTF?! At first she thought I was Bipolar 2, but by the end of the night she thought I was manic and more Bipolar 1 as I didn’t let her get a single word in all afternoon.

Symptoms specific to bipolar 1: The ‘experts’ classify mania to be a state of abnormality, featuring an elevated, persistent or irritable mood, severe enough to impair functioning, with three or more symptoms of:

– Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity (check!)
– Decreased need for sleep (check!)
– More talkative than usual (check!)
– Flight of ideas (check!)
– Distractibility (check!)
– Increased goal-directed activity (check!)
– Excessive involvement in activities that have high potential for painful consequences (check!)

For an episode to be defined as manic it has to last a week (I went for 6 months +); I didn’t talk to friends, nor sleep in my bed. I have a scab on the right side of my head that I pick off every day. I often fascinated over compiled piles of dandruff and even started to pee in empty Mountain Dew bottles as I was too lazy to walk to my own bathroom.

Ultimately, trying to define who I am with all this medical mumbo jumbo doesn’t really make me feel any better as I truly don’t consider my high highs and low lows to be out of the ordinary. As an artist I’ve always needed the low lows in order to create art, and the fact is that I remember, somewhat romantically, all of my low lows, but I can’t for the life of me remember many, if any, of my high highs. For example; listening to a song which represents a low from say, a past relationship breakup, and I’ll shed a tear today, but remembering a high, like that time I won a prize, brings back no feelings of elation at all.

I’m currently on 3 x 25mg tablets of Quetiapine a night. If I take them at 8PM (as recommended) I end up waking up at 1–3am which wasn’t working for me. I decided to try taking them at 11-midnight and that’s been working great for me as I sleep well and wake up at about 6am most mornings. My psych. Dr. Hyde suggests that Quetiapine is not addictive, and that I could take one instead of a bong hit if I felt the need to (not that I’ve had a bong hit, or felt like I needed to in what feels like forever now), but I’ve been avoiding dunking the pills by day as I’m scared of getting sleepy during daylight (in case I fall back into my comatose falling in and out of sleep all day gaming routine).

Long story cut short; I took a single Quetiapine pill when I was hanging with my bipolar 2 mate to see what would happen. 25 minutes later I was legit calm as, taking deep breaths, man, what a difference! Looks like the drugs do work, and self experimenting with these ‘corporate drugs’ is crucial to finding a way out.

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Lose the training wheels

Posted on 23 January, 2019 by Justin Fox

It’s 3PM and my angel (Dianne, who’s been taking care of me for the past 2 weeks) is gone. I’ve not been comfortable in crowds for a while but yesterday we went to the mall for lunch. Halfway through my meal the noise of the food court became an issue. I asked Di if it was fucking loud in there, she agreed it was fucking loud. I heard 3 distinct layers of sound all vying for my attention. It started to get too much but instead of running (which is what I’ve been doing; IE: freaking out in public and having to be ushered outta there pronto) I was happy to just stay and breathe.

I sat there and started to feel like none of this was real. I felt like this mall wasn’t made for me, that all these people in the mall aren’t like me at all. I felt lonely and I then burst into tears in Eastgardens food court, great.

Dianne got me home, but again, it wasn’t a manic rush to get out of the mall at all. I would have been happy to stay in there… sure I had a wobbly, but I was FINE. I loaded up YouTube and clicked a thumbnail of a 7+ minute video of Jim Carrey making an acceptance speech (I figure 7 minutes is pretty long, he must be saying something?!). He spent his short time on the mic saying some real shit, like how Charlie Chaplin’s funny walk is actually due to the fact that he was so poor he had holes in his shoes, and thus walked that way to alleviate the pain. I mean, picture that, a comedian who can’t even tell a joke when the mic is presented to him, instead he feels the need to use the opportunity to wake people up and make them realise he’s a comic who can’t say jokes right now because the world is fucked.

I had another huge cry. Later that day Mum came around, I showed her the Carrey video and again I broke into tears. It’s all good though! I feel like I’m coming to. I feel high as a kite 24/7 now on this Quetiapine. I actually feel a body high, so much so I feel it would feel totally naughty and illegal to drive on this shit as I just feel SO high. I have ZERO cravings for nicotine or bong hits, but this body high is pretty full on right now. The next few days without Di will be interesting (I’m feeling positive).

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Antidepressants – an update

Posted on 22 January, 2019 by Justin Fox

Just an update on my journey with antidepressants (if you missed the first feature, you can check it out here: Antidepressants).

A LOT has happened since my last update. Yesterday I caught up with my psychiatrist Dr Hyde (it was his first day back from holidays). Dianne came with me this time (it’s been Mum every other time) and as soon as we sat down in his little office we were on like Donkey Kong. Rapid fire, that’s what it felt like really. A whole lot of heavy information regurgitating and bouncing off the walls.

We talked about swapping out Efexor for another antidepressant that doesn’t have much of an impact on my libido, but truth is I had already run my own experiments with Efexor and had come to the conclusion that I didn’t need it. I was initially on 75mg of Efexor/day. When I first saw Dr Hyde early November we doubled the dosage and I started taking it in the morning rather than night. I started to have low libido issues about this time. I literally couldn’t even come to porn. I then upped my dosage to 300mg/day and I was waking up without a hard on at all, and that alone was making me more depressed than anything! One day I decided to see what 600mg of Efexor would feel like; the next morning I literally woke up with pins and needles in my dick which hung around for most of the day (I even had troubles peeing that day).

At the same time as all of the above I smashed my bong (with my Dads hammer making it a little more significant perhaps?) and decided to go cold turkey on weed. I coughed up a shitload of dark hard phlegm over the first few days and amazingly the freaky noises I was hearing and feeling in my chest whenever I took a deep breath were completely gone (making me realise that bongs might not be THAT bad as it only took a week for the shit to come out?!). I was also sweating profusely all day and worse at night where I’d wake up freezing every few hours in a pool of sweat (and have to change clothes or move to the couch as my mattress was soaked).

Going cold turkey on weed was hard. I lost it more than a few times. I caved in on day 7 and smoked a spliff. I was of-course instantly happy, smiling and even laughing again. What was different though was that one spliff made primarily of tobacco with a sprinkling of leaf was enough to get me SO high. For a few days I smoked 3 jays a day, one day I cut it down to just one jay that day but the sweats came back hard and so too the yucky bits of me I didn’t like.

I watched an opinion piece on YouTube comparing bongs to joints. The guy reminded me that bongs are dirty things! I remembered that the bongs I smoked in high school were made out of Mr Juicy bottles and bits of hose we cut from someone’s lawn. Over time I somehow convinced myself of glass bongs being a legitimate respectable thing, but I can’t really see them being anything but filthy right now.

This train of thought really needs expanding as it’s all still very new to me; but I’ve somehow gotten off bongs and it truly does feel like “just like that”. For the past few days I’ve smoked no more than 3 weak jays a day. Something has definitely changed.

So back to Dr Hyde. All the above came out during yesterdays session. He doesn’t believe I am suffering from depression anymore, instead we’re going to focus on my anxiety or bipolar-like symptoms. IE: my mood swings. We’re increasing my dosage of Quetiapine before bed to get a better night’s sleep and he also suggested that since Quetiapine is not addictive, I can quite comfortably take more as needed during the day. IE: If I feel like smoking weed I could replace the weed with a dose of Quetiapine. Scary thought huh? But hey, happy to give it a go.

It’s now the morning of the first night on a larger dose of Quetiapine and for the first time in a very long time I’ve had a solid 9hrs of sleep (I’ve been averaging 4hrs of broken sleep usually and have had rare occasions of 5hrs sleep maybe even a 6hr sleep semi-recently). I woke up high as a kite. I felt absolutely ripped but my head is sharp. It’s loud up there too, very. I’ve been spamming social media all morning. I’ve been writing this… that brings us up to date. My next meeting with Dr Hyde is in 4 weeks from now. Dianne, who has literally been taking care of me daily for the past 2 weeks leaves tomorrow. It’s going to be interesting to see how I go alone over the next few weeks.

Reminder to self – I’m still in a hole within a hole. The weed addiction and depression is one thing, but there are bigger things that I know I need to deal with too. That I’m not in denial about.

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Antidepressants

Posted on 8 January, 2019 by Justin Fox

medication

These are the meds I’m on. When I first caught up with my GP he told me that since I had been feeling the way I’ve been feeling for over 6 months, medication was the only way for me to get better. I was of the mindset that I wouldn’t ever need antidepressants. Much like religion, I thought antidepressants were more for weaker people (and that I was strong enough to tackle anything in life), but last year I watched this video of Dr. Jordan B Peterson (a Professor of Psychology and clinical psychologist) openly admit that he uses (and needs) antidepressants in order to function, well that video primed me to say OK to my GP and here we are.

Efexor-XR is for depression. My GP started me on a small dose initially. I decided against doing any online research about the drug and instead just started dunking them, if anything having a pill a day was creating some sort of “routine” in my life. I was super curious to see if I could feel any effects, but to be honest, all I felt was drowsiness. Some days I thought I felt better, but I was leaning more towards that it was a placebo than the medication.

A few weeks in I found out that a friend of mine was on the same drug, but she was given a MUCH bigger dose to begin with, that prompted me to book in to see a psychologist. The psychologist I got was fucked. A plank of wood. So dead. I doubt she even had a pulse. My Mum then found what she thought was a good psychiatrist. Dr Hyde… with that name how could I not?!

Turns out Dr. Hyde is a really likeable guy. I spilt the beans (it’s not getting easier to tell this mess of a story as it always changes depending on my current mood) and based on his assessment he ruled a few things out, but then prescribed me to Quetiapine Sandoz, a drug prescribed for Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia. He started me on a very small dose, and suggested that over the following few months that I up it myself if I felt like I needed to (as I’m on a very low safe dose to begin with). This drug makes me a lot drowsier than the Efexor, but it’s meant to be taken at night so all good.

So despite “going” slow with this medication I’m still not sure about how exactly it’s working, and how it’s helping me. I’ve caught myself singing out loud on some mornings, might seem little to you, but that’s been pretty huge for me. Speaking of music, music is part of my daily life again and I’m loving that. I’ve stopped having suicidal thoughts, and I can’t be sure the drugs have had anything to do with that, or not, but for now I’m just going with it as I seem to be getting better by the day.

PS: I’m still smoking weed daily but the aim is not to. My intake has gone from $300/week (IE: comatose) to smoking nothing but keif the past few months. I’m sure my weed addiction has a lot to do with everything, and going cold turkey (then rehab if I fail) is the aim for now.

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