Category Archives: Drugs

Just an update on my mental state. 3 weeks ago I ran out of meds (I’m on Quetiapine) and decided not to catch up with my psychiatrist as I’d really like to get off them. I instantly had issues getting to sleep, which I knew would happen as these little pills knock me the fuck out 30 minutes after I take one, but I thought I’d keep at it, and keep track of my patterns.

Initially I was getting really tired at around 8pm. I’d crash out, have broken sleep and get up at all sorts of hours. 2am, 3am but most of the time 4am. Sometimes I’ll nap during the day, but the napping doesn’t seem to help me catch up on sleep lost. I basically feel like I haven’t slept right for 3 weeks, and in the last week or so I’ve started to feel a little down again; down on energy, motivation, lack of direction… just generally feeling a bit heavy.

I’ve been keeping busy, but the days feel so long. I’m doing more work as a graphic designer than I have in years, and I’m also getting out of the house more often too. I’m still smoking tobacco though (I’d really like to quit), and when I drink I drink to get drunk. I re-downloaded a dating app recently, and got a few matches, but I feel that I’m a little too transparent to start the chase with anyone just yet, if anything I still think that I’d rather save these women from myself, as no-one out there would truly want to be with a guy like me.

3 days ago I got back on the meds and I’ve had 3 nights of solid sleep. I caught up with the fam last weekend and had a cousin tell me that I seemed better, more lively and chatty than the week before. I don’t remember being any different a week ago, but who knows? Right now I feel a little defeated for getting back on these little pink pills. I also feel especially shitty about smoking tobacco and would really like to quit.

Tool’s ‘Sober’ is a song about a friend of the band whose artistic expression only comes out when he is under the influence. “A lot of people give him shit for that, if you become addicted and a junkie, well, that’s your fault.”

I put hammer (significantly I used my Dad’s hammer which I’ve managed to keep with me ever since I was 18) to bong on January the 9th. I’ve not smoked a cone since. 

Does this make me sober? 

The dictionary says: To be sober is to not be affected by alcohol; not drunk. Does that mean ‘in the moment’? Or does that mean forever? I’m so confused. 

I still smoke rollies, but only at home. IE: If I venture out of the house I do not bring tobacco and rolling papers with me, but sometimes when I’m out for the day I do get cravings. Last week I visited a friend’s tattoo store and immediately felt like smoking a cigarette. I ended up going down the road to buy some, but for whatever reason I didn’t even open the pack to smoke one, and that packet is still on my kitchen bench unopened. 

In the past, if I quit smoking bongs I’d drink like a fish, but that hasn’t happened this time around. By myself I’ll have a glass, 2 at most, but add a friend into the mix and I end up smashing bottles and smoking cigarettes like a chimney. 

Then there’s the medication. I’m still on Quetiapine (200mg/night), on top of that I have a bunch of herbal stuff from my Naturopath to help me sleep and to work on my insides. I also take a CBD oil capsule a day to manage body aches. Taking this stuff consistently, every single day blows my mind as for years there I could never dream of doing anything consistently at all, period. 

In the past I’d often research ways to get off drugs and often I’d read “ditch the friends you do drugs with”. I always thought that was impossible, and a ridiculous ask, but when I was trying to neck myself I managed to push all my friends away, and right now, if I look at my current circle of friends I can’t help but notice all of them are straight AF. 

So what’s it like to be sober? 

I think I’m just as expressive creatively as ever, if not more so as I’m not gaming 10hrs a day. I’m sleeping better than I ever have. I weigh more than I ever have and life’s far from short. IE: The days feel so fucking long I have to watch TV at night to wind down and pass the time. Balance is at play in that I take breaks from designing. I play only 1–2hrs gaming/session (often I go for days without gaming too). All of this normality and consistency felt impossible when I was abusing (smoking bongs from 4.20AM - midnight), but now it’s a harsh reality. 

What confuses me the most is that I’ve given up weed. I always planned to smoke weed forever, but I’ve well and truly broken up with Mary Jane. A close friend suggested that I’m no longer in denial about smoking weed… that blows my mind as I still don’t exactly understand how I managed to stop smoking bongs. But I have and I have to say life feels pretty good on the rails. 

My next step is to get off the medication and start exercising. Dropping the dosage from 2 pills a night to 1 to none is a priority, so too getting back on the bike. I’m also going to start driving again, and have started the hunt for a daily driver (which in itself has been super fun as I’m planning to build a stripped out rally car for the streets). 

Life’s pretty straight without a bong, but being straight is pretty hardcore in itself, and where I used to look at straight people as being un-trustable, I now admire straight people for being able to deal with life head on. 

More updates as they come!

This is also on Medium for an easier read: https://medium.com/@justinfox_30083/almost-sober-6cc469eebbcb

I love this.

I’ve been on 3 tablets of Quetiapine per day for the past 40 days now (25mg/tablet 75mg all up). Quetiapine takes effect on me fast, about 30 minutes from dunking them. Since I’m no longer napping during the day I’m already quite sleepy by midnight, which is when I dunk all 3 and go straight to bed. I get a solid 5hrs sleep every single time doing it this way.

Dr. Hyde assured me that it was OK to dunk tablets during the day if I felt like a mood swing was coming on, but when I do have Quetiapine by day I turn into a zombie and I end up napping. I tried not taking any at all one night, I had a rough sleep and felt down the next day (started the day off on the wrong foot and couldn’t turn it around). I’m meant to have the tablets at about 9PM but when I do I get up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep. I’ve tried taking only 2 tablets instead of 3 and I wake up too early. I’ve not tried taking 4, could be good, but I’m afraid to have any more if I don’t need more.

The speedy body high’s I’ve been feeling have subsided somewhat, but I’m still going a million miles an hour. Speedy as fuck in my head. I feel short of breath, like my heart is beating fast. I’m literally bashing the keys right now as I type. I have only one speed and it’s full steam ahead, all cylinders firing.

Today I saw Dr. Hyde and reported all the above (and more). He agrees I look and sound better (I’m 62kgs today and was 51kg’s when I first saw him, he says I’m still too skinny and could do with more weight!). He also thinks that lots of the boundless energy I have now has to do with being more sober than I have been in a very long time. IE: For the past few months I’ve felt like I broke something up there in my head, but maybe it’s more that I’ve never been sober.

He’s not too happy about my drinking situation. I don’t drink every night, but when I open a bottle I finish it, every time. I scull my wines too. He says 1 glass would be AOK, 2 at most, but not a whole bottle. Having 1-3 joints a day isn’t great either, but the alcohol is more of a worry to him at the moment. Personally I don’t think I’ll have an issue with cutting down the wine, or the weed as I’m cutting it down more and more as we go in any case.

Whilst I like to think in my mind that the Quetiapine is just a sleeping tablet. It’s not. Dr. Hyde was quick to remind me that it’s still acting as an anti-depressant (even though I am off Effexor antidepressants) and mood stabiliser which affects my every day. He reminded me once more that I’m on a very low dose, and Quetiapine only really works on bipolar patients when given in much higher doses. He believes my mood is at least stable (I’d say yes, only just… but definitely more stable than ever this year) and that I should try to up my dose to 100mg, or even 150mg.

The plan is to take 100mg at midnight from now on. If I end up getting more than 5hrs sleep I’ll start taking the Quetiapine earlier so I can still see the sun rise every morning. I’ll also cut down on drinking to 2 glasses/night max and I’m really struggling to make joints at all now that the kief has run dry. Joints are mostly rollie tobacco with a sprinkling of kief.. I’m basically down to stems and I was told not to smoke stems (not sure exactly why, I assume they hold more chemicals, or something?!).

More updates soon!